As many people know “Front Row – Live in Brazil 1998″ is my favorite song of all time. I’ve always enjoyed The SPIF version but Live in Brazil has a certain…something to it.
The other night was like any other. It was a Wednesday and me and Sunshine were sick of campus food….yet again. So we went out to grab some bw3’s and on the way back started listening to Alanis. Aeryn quickly made her way to “Live in Brazil” (Side note: Aeryn is the name of my ipod.) And it hit me.
I’ve always said the feeling I get when I listen to that song is the feeling I want my life to be like. When I listen to it, I get this picture perfect life in my head. Not as predictable or vivid as white pickett fences and bbq’s but more or less…if I feel the way that song makes me feel when I listen to it, if I have that feeling my entire life…it will be everything I could hope for. Sounds crazy. But I’m sure only Jessica can understand.
Back on track…I figured out why that feeling is so ideal. Back when SFIJ was released it took some time for us (me and Jess) to get into it. It wasn’t like JLP and it took a bit for us to “open up”, if you will, to the idea of the nature of the album. But once we did…it exploded and consumed every aspect of my life. Even to this day. It is an album of self acceptance and imploding frustration release for me. A way to connect with myself and not feel so alone at the times in your life where you have tons of people who love you and support you but you still feel like the only person in the world that could feel this disconnected and isolated. Self-absorbent, yes. But in my years of practice I’ve learned there isn’t a person on the planet who has never felt that way. I just chose to deal with mine through SFIJ. And it’s been one of the best things in my life. I am talking top ten here.
On top of that the album is also, for me, a connection to Jess. (Kind of contradictrary but it happens) When we started getting into the album was right aroud the time of me starting to feel a part of the infanint “group” we had in high school. It was mostly Jessica’s friends and for a long time I felt like the one who was being drug around. Like, the annoying little sister character you see on television show that you would normally never watch but it’s been a long day and the last thing you want to do is look for the remote you lost 3 days ago to try and change the channel.
But I started to feel like more than the sister. I was spending 27 hours a day with Jess and almost all of my free time in and out of school with the “group” I wasn’t just her sister. I was her friend. And SPIJ, I feel, was a catalyst. Now don’t get me wrong. I love Jess and I know without a doubt that even if there was no Alanis (God Forbid) that we would still be who we are and have the relationship we have no without it. But it was there and that’s how, in my mind, things happened.We would listen to that whole album and those moments are monumental. I feel like we grew so much over that album and everything after that just snowballed.
I know that The Live in Brazil version was recorded many many years ago. But, I never heard it until last year some time. And at first I was giddy and happy and loving Alanis. Loving how she sang each line and articulated each syllable. But it wasn’t until the other night I discovered the underlying happiness embedded beneath Alanis’ amazingness.
The song is a symbol to me. I look back at how much I loved and how much SFIJ meant to me in the beginning and I see how much I have grown and how close and enduring me and Jess are. We’ve been through alot. Laughing, learning, growing, self reflecting, pushing each other through, being painfully honest, laughing some more, and always always supporting. I look at all that and cant help but smile and take in every breath and moment. It’s the kind of friendship and sisterhood that completely changes you and you can’t help but look at the world and smile. Hunger. Poverty. Racism. Sexism. Prejudice. Discrimination. War. Death. The world can get pretty ugly. But its having that unconditional connection and love from a single person that throws all of that back into balance.
All in all. This song is a celebration. Everything beautiful in my life. Who I am. And who having Jess as my sister has helped me become. She loves me for me. And thats most important. I’m not perfect. I have issues I deal with and demons I still fight. But I’m happy. Genuinely happy. And I think it’s the best thing you can ask for.
